| Like many people in today's hectic world, I've | | | | tearjerkers, if you go this route.Listen to soothing |
| been blessed with recurring insomnia. For most, | | | | music: |
| this condition would be a liability; as a writer, it's | | | | Again, this is a great idea in theory -- but one |
| actually quite useful. I pen more gibberish after | | | | person's 'soothing' is another person's... well, Hootie |
| three am than most people do... well, ever, to be | | | | and the Blowfish, for instance. Sure, their music is |
| fair.But eventually, all good sleepless nights must | | | | soft and lilting, but 'easy listening', my |
| come to an end. So I've tried a few ways to | | | | sleep-deprived ass. My ears would find steel-wool |
| bring on the snoozes, when counting sheep just | | | | Q-tips more 'soothing' than that audiodrivel. Luckily, |
| won't do. Feel free to use any or all of the | | | | any music can soothe the insomnial beast, so long |
| techniques below -- just make sure you're really | | | | as it's played softly enough. Sometimes, Rage |
| ready to hit the sack. This is powerful medicine; | | | | Against the Machine at three-and-a-half decibels -- |
| proceed with caution.Drink a glass of warm milk: | | | | or Nine Inch Nails, at a volume only dogs can hear |
| Generally, this doesn't work, of course. It seems | | | | -- is just what the sleep doctor ordered.Exercise: |
| to be some sort of old wives' tale. What old | | | | Frankly, I've only tried this method once. I get |
| wives have against the rest of us enjoying a | | | | the idea -- the physical activity, late at night, |
| night's rest, I don't know, but drinking a full glass | | | | should sap whatever energy your body has |
| of lukewarm moo juice will leave you bleary-eyed | | | | remaining, and let you slip sweetly off to |
| and milkstached, but not particularly drowsy. Still, | | | | dreamland. Fine. But remember, your hand-eye |
| you've got to start somewhere. And you can | | | | coordination and reflexes won't be up to par, |
| always graduate to a nice, warm glass of milk and | | | | after staying awake for hours past your bedtime. |
| coconut rum -- hold the milk. That'll put you to | | | | And it can be rather embarrassing to explain to |
| sleep, but you'd better be sure to cancel those | | | | the ambulance crew how you backhanded |
| morning meetings the next day.Read a book: | | | | yourself down a flight of stairs, doing jumping |
| This is great, if you happen to have 'The Bridges | | | | jacks at four in the morning. EMTs can be so |
| of Madison County' lying around, or you keep | | | | cruel sometimes.Watch LifeTime: |
| 'Principles of Organic Chemistry' on your | | | | No, really. Anything on LifeTime. The Oxygen |
| nightstand. It's somewhat less effective if the | | | | network works, too. Or the Golf Channel. Or any |
| closest book handy is 'The Amityville Horror', or | | | | shopping network -- unless you're one of those |
| an audiobook from the Steven King 'Rabid | | | | people with a shopping problem, of course. You're |
| Machete Zombies' collection. Instead of sleeping, | | | | not doing anyone any good, lying there on the |
| you might spend the night hiding under the | | | | couch for three hours ordering commemorative |
| covers, hoping that the creaking outside your | | | | Jackson trial dinner plates. But short of that, this is |
| window is just the wind. Of course, those of us | | | | clearly the way to go. There are hundreds of |
| who are truly proficient with insomnia don't have | | | | channels out there; surely, you can find one that'll |
| to worry so much -- we're not going to bed until | | | | put you to sleep. You call them 'DirecTV', but I'm |
| after dawn, anyway, so there's no 'dark' for | | | | calling them 'Sandman'. Don't let the bed bugs |
| bogeymen to go 'bump' in. Still, it's not such a | | | | bite!Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and |
| good idea to seed your dreams with the horrific | | | | aspiring standup comedian offering smart, |
| imagery that today's writers can dream up. | | | | sophisticated humor about life, language, and the |
| There's sleeping, and then there's 'unconscious | | | | size of his naughty bits. He writes semi-daily and |
| night sweating'. Stick to the textbooks and | | | | mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I? |